He Had Sex With a Man ONE TIME!

In the October 9th episode of How To Get Away With Murder (starring Viola Davis), there was a scene whereby one of the female characters (law student) learns that her fiance had sex with another male.  “The sex” happened BEFORE he started dating the woman in the show, and he said that it was only a one time thing. After that particular episode, my friends and I blew up Facebook on a private thread (no, you can’t join our group!…LOL!).  So, here are the questions we volleyed:


  • 1. Would you go on to marry your fiance knowing that he’d slept with a man?  Why or why not?
  • 2. Is sexuality black and white, i.e., heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual and no in between?
  • 3. Does it threaten you more if your significant other cheats with a man or woman, and why do you think that?
  • 4. Why do people automatically assume that men who’ve had same sex sexual experiences are likely infected with HIV?


  • The conversation was all over the place!  To the first question, nobody gave an enthusiastic yes.  Ironically, several of the people in the group had tons of questions for those who said that they wouldn’t go through with the marriage despite not boldly saying yes themselves.  I think they fell short of saying yes because they weren’t sure of their responses in their own hearts while also finding it interesting to search for inconsistencies in the other respondents’ perspectives.

    The second question was just as messy.  The conversation covered everything from people who are born with both sex organs to plain ole strong opinions.  Some people talked about how sexuality is impacted by a broad range of factors and pointed to female athletes Caster Semenya and Dutee Chand.  Both of these women, track and field athletes,  faced humiliating scrutiny and testing over whether they are actually female.  The former had to actually undergo gender-testing.  It was determined that she was born with both sex organs.  Dutee Chand’s body naturally produces high levels of testosterone which caused the International Olympic Committee to say that she has to take hormone suppressants in order to compete.  With this being said, is it conceivable that these two women, and others like them, cannot be placed in a sexuality box?  Therefore, should the discussion be about monogamy and fidelity and not necessarily about sexual orientation?  From this point, the conversation shifted to one about sexual desire and urges:  is it possible to turn off the urge, the craving,  for a man while you’re married to a woman (or vice versa)?   Do you believe sexuality is a choice, a function of biology, or somewhere in the middle?  Do you believe Donnie McClurkin’s change is real and complete?

    Relative to whether a woman should perceive a greater threat from a man or a woman, the answers were polar opposites.  One person said that she would feel more threatened by a man because she would be forced to accept fate meaning that she wouldn’t have the option to fight for her relationship because her man didn’t want a woman.  Another woman said that she thought it would be easier to accept the failed relationship if infidelity involved a man because she would be assured that it was not her fault in any way whereas with a woman, her feelings  would be hurt differently.  Interesting difference of opinions, huh?

    Finally, the disease question, specifically about HIV, arose amid concerns about finding out that your man has ever had sex with another man or is a down-low brother.  Essentially, I explained that whomever is being penetrated during anal sex, whether man or woman, has to understand that the anus is designed to be a portal of exit; therefore, entry tears the membranes of the anus which opens the skin and creates a pathway for viruses (HIV, HPV, HSV, and Hepatitis B) to enter the body.  In short, if you’re going to let somebody go back there, you better take extra precautions whether you’re a man or a woman.

    Rather than giving in to the immediate “ick” response when topics involving “gay sex” come up, what do you actually think?  How are you sorting out your perspective?  By the way Shonda Rhimes is getting lots of complaints about ShondaLand Thursdays’ gay sex scenes….IJS.

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